I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
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I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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