Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
