After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
