We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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