This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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