I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
