I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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