Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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