Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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