Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
