I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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