Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Randomize
