3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
