That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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