Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
