I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
