She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
