I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
