once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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