So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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