Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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