I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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