He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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