i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
