she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
