A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
