Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
