Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im drinking this country out of the recession.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
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Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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