Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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