if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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