im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
