I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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