Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
