I wish my penis had an off switch
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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