wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
