I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize