The maid of honor just puked.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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