Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
