I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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