she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
