the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
