Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
