Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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