Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
