I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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