Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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