I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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