ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
