I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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