Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
