Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
