i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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