Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh god it's open bar.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
