HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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