I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
