so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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