Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize